Posts Tagged ‘theological questions.’

Read in Tooth and Claw…

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I watched a toad being eaten alive by a snake in the swamps of New Orleans a few years ago.  It was such a forgotten moment, it only came back to me just now – I don’t know why, no reason, it just did.

I was taking a leak in the swamp as my friends walked ahead of me. I couldn’t hold it in any longer, so I made my excuses and asked them to walk on while I stopped to relieve myself. There’s no greater pleasure in life than being busting for a piss and suddenly getting the chance to go, so I let loose the juice and rolled my eyeballs up to the sky in pleasured satisfaction.

Half way though, I looked down to see where my streak of piss was falling and I saw the drama unfolding. Toad half caught in the snake’s mouth, slowly being digested. My streak of piss was hitting the snake on the forehead and he wasn’t best pleased about it, but the toad was looking up at me with hopeful eyes that I was suddenly giving him an unexpected ‘get out clause’.  The whole thing was such a moment of nature that I’d stumbled upon, something that happens a billion times every day, all across the world in all species on our planet – except for humans, because ‘Survival of the Fittest’ – (thank god) doesn’t apply to us for some reason, otherwise I’d be screwed.

So I was watching this kill, trying to aim my piss streak away from  the snake and the toad now I’d become aware of their struggle, not wishing to play God to either.  The snake was gumming down on the toad, no teeth, no instant kill, just a slow and implacable swallow. The toad was screeching out with each gulp of the snake’s jaws each time the pressure hit its stomach, a high-pitched and involuntary squeak like one of those rubber toys a dog bites.

I continued to relieve myself against the mangrove tree, breathing in the evening air heavy with scent. Should I have stopped this secret murder? I had the power to play God and fix the odds in this unseen moment. But I reminded myself that either way I’d have been interfering with nature’s order. I’m not sure who I even wanted to win anyway. So I zipped up my pants and walked on, the sound of the toad’s gurgling matched to the guzzling gulps of the snake getting ever softer, echoing against the tree bark.

At the limit of my hearing as I reached my friends I heard what sounded like a snake coughing.  Maybe it had worked out for the toad after all?

Who knows? I never read the result in the papers…


‘It’s good to talk,’ said Christ reaching for the vinegar sponge…


‘Life’s What You Make It…’    (Talk Talk.)

Strange how a single song can suddenly light a rocket up the arse and initiate a train of thought, no not a train, a train is too slow and deliberate, I’m talking more like a thunderbolt of thought, a lightening rod that shoots up the jacksy to singe the anal hairs as it goes, leaving the taste of burnt pork and metal on the tongue as it rises heavenwards towards all our unanswered prayers. Yep, Talk Talk gone and made me wanna talk talk, and since there’s no-one around in my rat’s nest right now I guess YOU dear reader are getting the bad news…

Religion. That’s the subject of today’s lecture, folks 😉

Man-Made (not Woman-Made or even Woman-Inclusive most of the time). Religion gets on my tits. ALL religion – I’m equally dismissive and insulting about all of them: from a laugh-in-your-face-obviously-stupid elements of Islam that make women walk round in dustbin liners and won’t let them get an education to realise that it’s bullshit, and replies to any enlightened criticism of it’s outdatedness with murder and threats, always as tolerant and humorous as cancer. To elements of Judaism with their intrinsic ‘look after yourself and your tribe: fuck everyone else’, belief in ‘Eye for an Eye’ revenge. To Christianity with its dislike of homosexuals despite most of the priesthood being gay, its resentment and fear of women having any equal power. To ANY religion that takes a feeling and turns it into a tombstone.

However, with the above caveat duly given it’s now Open Season and tonight I’m just talking about Christianity… for those of you with ears to hear. No-one ever reads these postings anyway so I guess I’m totally free to just write gibberish hat sodomized cabbage patch faces poached with black holes, blahhhh rubicon transfat pilgrimage toenails.

Oh, what? One person has actually read this far? Wow, thank you. I’ll keep it real then.

OK here’s the list of questions I want answered by the Online Universe. Sincerely – any answers written from knowledge.  Obviously I have too much time on my hands, but I genuinely want to know the ‘official’ Christian High or Low Church answer to these questions – not just individual’s musings, but the official party line.

For personal background info and in the name of fairness here’s my point of view: I believe in God but not religion. I have an issue with any human telling me ‘this is truth because I say so’. God, if it exists, is love, love is inclusive. So all these men arrogantly and condescendingly rushing round in dresses telling people they can’t be part of love unless they agree to these man-made rules makes my hackles rise. When I say God, I mean a universal energy that flows through every living thing on a sub-atomic level. As to whether that energy has consciousness… the hell if I know – you’re guess is as good as mine. It would be just SO great if it had. Imagine if there really was something that cared about our happiness and loved us more than our parents did/could. That’s a real comforting and seductive thought, isn’t it? But wishing don’t make it so, and anyone living who pretends to know the answer is faking it. Anyone who promises you certainty is insane. We are born knowing as much truth about God/Afterlife as we die with. That is a fact, no matter how hard sometime strains to squeeze the tight shit of certain belief out their sphincter.

Lift up yo heads all ye ravers…

I. Jesus always referred to himself as the Son of Man, not Son of God. This makes sense to me. A son of man, is a servant but also more advanced than man. Is there any evidence that Jesus personally considered himself the direct SON of god, more than any of us are? (Also, as a side point, Jesus knew the Old Testament inside and out as demonstrated by his clever and knowing fulfilment of certain prophecies (donkey entrance in Jerusalem, stock of Jesse, descendent of David, Messianic, etc.) But I found this in Psalms I46:
‘Do not put your trust in Princes, nor in a SON OF MAN, in whom there is no help…’ Is this Jesus with a sense of humour perhaps?
II. In Heaven/Paradise will we still be aware of what happens on Earth? It seems to me if we do then to see our loved one’s still suffering and making obvious mistakes, etc, would turn heaven into a kind of impotent Hell. Unless we no longer cared anymore because WE were so happy, then that is just a bit selfish individualistic?

III. I understand the positive usefulness of prayer as a psychological tool helping us formulate what we really want. I even think I understand it from a theological point of view – that we should pray for God to give us the strength to deal with what we may not want to happen. What I have confusion about is the idea that God will change his mind if we pray hard enough, as if he is some sort of Ego-being that demands worship before he’ll help, otherwise like a spoilt child he’ll just ignore us. The glib and easy example is the person of faith whose child dies of cancer despite them praying with the earnestness of a saint, whilst across town a rapist wins the lottery and has a genuinely blessed life. What are the functions of Miracles? Why don’t those whose faith is sincere have prayers answered yet ‘miracles’ happen to scumbags who subsequently continue to be scumbags post-miracle. It’s not just enough for me to rub in the placebo cream of ‘God moves in mysterious ways’ as an explanation onto my chaffed mind.

IV. Jesus broke all societal conventions in his ministry (hanging out with prostitutes and tax-collectors, lepers and non-Jews). Based on his advanced ‘pushing of the envelope’, wouldn’t it make sense that he would be FOR homosexuals and women as his new ministers alongside traditional men?

V. Should ‘Pride’ and ‘Gluttony’ really be punishable by an eternity in hell as two of the seven deadly sins? Surely something like sexual abuse of children or intolerable mental cruelty are worse, for example?

Anyone out there with any insight on this? Will be sincerely appreciated…