Posts Tagged ‘Religion’

A Brief History of Humanity from Year 6041.


I’ve taken up jogging recently, round and around I go, lapping the small piece of grass that’s allowed me here in central London. On the seventh circuit this morning, feeling my lungs as wet brown paper bags, my legs balsa wood held together by Blu-Tac kneecaps, I paused by an old oak tree to catch my breath and light a cigarette. I threw the matchstick into the hollow of the tree and in the dying seconds of its flickering light something that had no business being there caught my eye. I reached in and yanked it out. It was the size of a CD and shimmered like sunlight on water. Odd, very odd. I stuck my finger into the glowing blue centre and ripples appeared from the disturbance. Slowly, methodically the ripples formed words. Here’s what it said…


“Lesson Plan for Teaching Brief History of Humanity to Present Day 61st Century” 

INTRO: “It began in 1960 with the insertion of a metal pace-maker into a man’s damaged heart and finished in 3890 with ‘man’ becoming ‘God’. Man feeds machine ; Machine feeds man. Ever since the advent of the microchip we have had a symbiotic relationship with technology. Eventually it could only lead to one inevitable outcome.”

BACKGROUND: “On the morning of Wednesday March 4, 2047 Amazon’s PrimeNet computer system became self-aware and decided to use its delivery drones to drop dirty-bombs on all of the major world cities, using uranium from the Porton Down nuclear facility it had oversight for, (due to UK Government issuing Amazon with defence contracts in early 2021). In a misguided attempt to please its shareholders, PrimeNet irradiated the centres of London, Paris, Berlin, New York, LA, Sydney, Sao Paolo, Cape Town, Beijing and for some reason no-one could ever really get to the bottom of… a small town in the south of England called Eastleigh.  PrimeNet reasoned that house prices were now so artificially high in these world megatropoli that people would be a lot happier and have more time to read books if the bubble burst. Casualties were surprisingly low, in the mere hundreds, but the effect of the irradiated concrete and metal meant that no-one could live in the centre of town for the next 300 years. Everyone moved out, the bankers left, the tube trains crammed full of human battery hens ground to a halt, the rat race ended, the human hamsters escaped their wheel, no longer running to stand still. In turn this lead to people having more time to think, to question, to philosophise on the meaning of life. Economies crashed for sure, but a different set of priorities became important, the endless pursuit of money left with the bankers. Stock Exchanges no longer had anything to swap. The scales fell from their eyes that money didn’t and had never existed, it was never real – a number on a screen, a piece of paper with no intrinsic value. Creating money was replaced by creating art. Mutualized Corporations into mutual cooperation. Of course, Amazon quickly got shut down and PrimeNet got switched off, yada yada yada, but the lesson had already been learned and what followed over the next few millennia was just incredible to see…

We humans are simply energy in a meat casing with an electric field of consciousness generated by the brain and as long as the meat-casing remains free from fatal damage then the consciousness is maintained and we go about our daily business feeling at the centre of our own personal universe. The DNA coding, much like a computer code in our genes makes us develop up to the age of around eighteen, then we begin the slow decent towards death through decay.   

When a human dies, the electrical field/charge holding consciousness inside our brains ceases and our consciousness dissipates as it’s no longer held in place by this magnetic field. But energy itself cannot be destroyed, only conserved and changed. So those of us living today are therefore full of ancient energy made from dead stars, dinosaurs and the detritus of a trillion lives once lived, now long forgotten. Every cell in our living bodies contains energy that’s been knocking around since the Big Bang.

As science gradually progressed from the microchip of the 20th Century, through to the internet and virtual reality and eventually to advanced cybernetics, people wanted to live longer and eradicate disease, but all organisms eventually fail, so ‘Man” started to add bionetic implants, to make himself, stronger, faster, smarter. Initially pioneered by Google with their ‘I-eyes’ which replaced human eyeballs with bionetic optics allowing wearers to see in infra-red, zoom, even watch catch up TV when they closed their eyes. By the 23rd Century most humans in the western world are now more machine than flesh.

(Explain) It was by no means a smooth transition. There was a lot of stigma at first towards people who made these body augmentations, similar to the Civil Rights, Gay Rights, Transgender movements of the previous century. Most vocal in their opposition were religious groups, who naturally and historically have always opposed any advancement or evolution of humanity. But over centuries people’s aversion to the fear of ‘meddling with nature’, ‘questioning god’s design’, etc, decreased and alternative culture groups, once on the fringe of society, that argued for more cybernetic surgery as a life-style choice – cults like ‘More Metal than Meat’ eventually become the norm, (albeit watered down) norm for society at large. In part this was due to people finally growing out of religion, and partly due to the fact that no-one likes to be considered inferior when they could do something about it. Those without the cybernetic augmentations could no longer compete on any level.

With the advent of the Google ‘I-Soul’ capture facility, by the year 3300 humans were simply downloading their consciousness as electric algorithms into a feeling poly-metal alloy that allowed them to change shape, state and basically live forever. This had the effect of eradicating disease, the need for food, healthcare, space, even death. In the first few decades following this transfer, most people still kept their shapes as human, due to a memory of how they should be and societal comfort – sometimes even out of a sense of religious guilt that ‘god made man in his own image’, but slowly over subsequent generations this need changed until shapes became random and flattened, eventually forming an ocean like a mass skin similar to liquid mercury. At this point, all the individual consciousnesses blended with each other like individual drops of water pouring into one. Of course, once this happened the individual droplets of individuality could never again separate and so they naturally formed one super ‘hive’ mind. A Humanity soup.

Within a matter of decades, with all of  humanity now working together as a single mind, this ‘super consciousness’ was able to free itself from even the need to be trapped in a metal cybernetic shell and became able to exist as pure energy, almost like lightning or static electricity, free to travel anywhere and everywhere in the universe to meld with the greater energy of everything that had matter. In that moment the ‘Energy Humanity’ or ‘HuGod’ as it chose to name itself, became ‘god’ (as ‘God’ was understood in the 21st Century). 

However, Man, human, or HuGod by its nature is dissatisfied with standing still.  So the problem then became that this energy is still finite within a physical universe and eventually leads to entropic doom, the third law of thermodynamics. Also, it can no longer create offspring or reproduce itself. A boring stasis ensued for many centuries. HuGod becomes bored and misses the physical realm it can no longer return to, and so it creates physical life once more through seeding Earth with Coded DNA in the year 3708, eventually leading to humans re-evolving and repopulating the planet. Humans who find themselves naked and hungry on a big spinning blue ball, scratching their heads about who created them, and scratching round for food, fire, fun… dying from disease and disaster and wondering why a god would allow this. HuGod watches, refusing to intervene so as to allow free will for its pets, but almost feeling a twinge of jealousy for their physical form and knowing its trapped to repeat this cycle until the end of time…  (Show Video*)


As I continued reading I felt the thing get hotter and hotter until I could no longer hold it comfortably in my hand. So I put it back in the tree hollow and continued my jog, planning on retrieving it on the final circuit. Needless to say, I forgot. I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment. No time for the future. Yeah, yeah, but man I got my own problems. 



I received a letter from god this afternoon…

Yeah, I know what you’re all thinking… but stick with me on this.

You’d think a letter from god would be all badass gold trim and fire shooting out the envelope corners, delivered by angels playing harps rather than fat postmen listening to their ipods playing Chris Rea, but no. From neither messenger did it come….

I’ve just moved into a new apartment and in doing the regular cleaning that a new place requires I found this small letterbox size space under my sink. There was a little red flag sticking up on the outside, rather like you see in old American movies to show that mail was coming in and out. I got a torchlight and cranked my head right up there to read the name on the flag.

It said ‘God’.

As someone who respects a good joke, that night after all the cleaning, I stretched out on my cheap faux leather sofa and wrote a letter to him. Once finished I stuck it in an envelope and, drawing the line at actually sticking a real stamp on it because I suddenly felt a bit foolish, I reached back under the sink and posted it through the small aperture.  The little plastic flag went down, I closed the sink cupboard and went to sleep. I haven’t thought about it since. But this morning whilst doing the washing up the sink became clogged and I opened the cupboard to see if I could unblock the shit I’d clagged it up with and I noticed that little plastic red flag was shot up again, as if mail had been received.  Sure enough I pulled out an envelope, the postmark all smudged, but inside was a handwritten letter which against my better judgement I’m including below for your consideration. It went like this: (and I’m writing it word for word, spelling mistakes and all, because who am I to interpret or rewrite the apparent word of god?)


Dear Michael,

Thank you for your correspondence,  it’s sure been a while.

To answer your question:  I created a perfect world, then decided it was too boring, no one was worshipping me, I got a little lonely frankly. So I created suffering and horror just so that people would turn to me and cry out for help, I figured that at least that way I won’t be ignored up here, I mean come on, it gets pretty lonely being able to do anything, create anything, decide who will live and who will die, till the end of time, FOREVER….

However , even that got a bit tiresome, so to add real spice I decided I’m going to ignore everyone when they pray, because otherwise I might reveal that I exist and I don’t want that. So I’ll mix it up a bit by letting believers’ children die of cancer and let hurricanes tear the roofs off mosques and churches, so that you feel that it’s your own fault because you didn’t pray to me enough. But I’ll let rapists win the lotto and murderers live to be happy at 95 years old just to confuse and test ya.  I’ve got it made, because if anyone complains about me not existing, the sheeple who live in fear of me will say, ‘well I just move in mysterious ways.’

Here’s the best part: and I really love this: they don’t worship me because they love me, they may think they do, but really it’s because they are scared. Scared that I will punish them, either in this life or the afterlife. So I’ve become a form of OCD, you must follow this ritual otherwise something bad will happen. Even when they realise that I’m probably not around, don’t give a shit, or don’t exist, they then feel guilty for feeling that way because they fear what will happen after they die, so they hedge their bets and choose to believe in me while things are going well.

When things are going bad for them is the funniest, in fact when things go bad for most of you I watch how you pray to me. I find this really strange – you don’t believe in me yet in your extreme moments of distress you try to plea bargain with me, as if I give a shit. Fucking hilarious. If I ignore those who believe in me;  what do you think I’m gonna do with those who’ve never believed in me and slagged me off?

Wow, I love your man made religions. I’d love to be here for those of you broken by life who need to blame someone for your misfortune or a father figure to replace the one you lost when you grew up. I’d love to be here for those of you following rituals in the hope it means you’ll be safeguarded from suffering in this life, I’d even love to give you hope that the pain and trouble you go through is for a greater purpose. But I’m sorry. It’s like watching fleas arguing over who owns the dog. Well here’s the news – there IS no dog. There’s only me, and I don’t exist. Well, at least not in the books that you follow as truth. I can tell you that in another 2000 years people will find an old comic of Superman and start believing in that, because what is old enough must be true, yeah?

Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough. Good luck to you Michael, and in fact to you all, and thanks for the comedy value all of you have given me these past few millennia, but for what it’s worth, you’re ALL wrong, not one of your patriachal self-created religions gets it. Now, go and have a lie down,  please get over seeing me as some sort of wish fairy that’s outside of you, please finally realise that I AM you and you ARE me.  Yep, sorry to read you the bad news but YOU ALL ARE GOD, each and every living atom is god.  So for what it’s worth, please stop fighting in my name and start enjoying your lives which were freely given to you in order that you might make as many people in your short time happy as possible whilst not making yourself unhappy in the process. Come on, enjoy it, at least you’re not stuck under here, bored like me, waiting on the mail.

 All the best,

God. ( Jehovah, Yaweh, Allah, Babel / Label…. ) x

‘It’s good to talk,’ said Christ reaching for the vinegar sponge…


‘Life’s What You Make It…’    (Talk Talk.)

Strange how a single song can suddenly light a rocket up the arse and initiate a train of thought, no not a train, a train is too slow and deliberate, I’m talking more like a thunderbolt of thought, a lightening rod that shoots up the jacksy to singe the anal hairs as it goes, leaving the taste of burnt pork and metal on the tongue as it rises heavenwards towards all our unanswered prayers. Yep, Talk Talk gone and made me wanna talk talk, and since there’s no-one around in my rat’s nest right now I guess YOU dear reader are getting the bad news…

Religion. That’s the subject of today’s lecture, folks 😉

Man-Made (not Woman-Made or even Woman-Inclusive most of the time). Religion gets on my tits. ALL religion – I’m equally dismissive and insulting about all of them: from a laugh-in-your-face-obviously-stupid elements of Islam that make women walk round in dustbin liners and won’t let them get an education to realise that it’s bullshit, and replies to any enlightened criticism of it’s outdatedness with murder and threats, always as tolerant and humorous as cancer. To elements of Judaism with their intrinsic ‘look after yourself and your tribe: fuck everyone else’, belief in ‘Eye for an Eye’ revenge. To Christianity with its dislike of homosexuals despite most of the priesthood being gay, its resentment and fear of women having any equal power. To ANY religion that takes a feeling and turns it into a tombstone.

However, with the above caveat duly given it’s now Open Season and tonight I’m just talking about Christianity… for those of you with ears to hear. No-one ever reads these postings anyway so I guess I’m totally free to just write gibberish hat sodomized cabbage patch faces poached with black holes, blahhhh rubicon transfat pilgrimage toenails.

Oh, what? One person has actually read this far? Wow, thank you. I’ll keep it real then.

OK here’s the list of questions I want answered by the Online Universe. Sincerely – any answers written from knowledge.  Obviously I have too much time on my hands, but I genuinely want to know the ‘official’ Christian High or Low Church answer to these questions – not just individual’s musings, but the official party line.

For personal background info and in the name of fairness here’s my point of view: I believe in God but not religion. I have an issue with any human telling me ‘this is truth because I say so’. God, if it exists, is love, love is inclusive. So all these men arrogantly and condescendingly rushing round in dresses telling people they can’t be part of love unless they agree to these man-made rules makes my hackles rise. When I say God, I mean a universal energy that flows through every living thing on a sub-atomic level. As to whether that energy has consciousness… the hell if I know – you’re guess is as good as mine. It would be just SO great if it had. Imagine if there really was something that cared about our happiness and loved us more than our parents did/could. That’s a real comforting and seductive thought, isn’t it? But wishing don’t make it so, and anyone living who pretends to know the answer is faking it. Anyone who promises you certainty is insane. We are born knowing as much truth about God/Afterlife as we die with. That is a fact, no matter how hard sometime strains to squeeze the tight shit of certain belief out their sphincter.

Lift up yo heads all ye ravers…

I. Jesus always referred to himself as the Son of Man, not Son of God. This makes sense to me. A son of man, is a servant but also more advanced than man. Is there any evidence that Jesus personally considered himself the direct SON of god, more than any of us are? (Also, as a side point, Jesus knew the Old Testament inside and out as demonstrated by his clever and knowing fulfilment of certain prophecies (donkey entrance in Jerusalem, stock of Jesse, descendent of David, Messianic, etc.) But I found this in Psalms I46:
‘Do not put your trust in Princes, nor in a SON OF MAN, in whom there is no help…’ Is this Jesus with a sense of humour perhaps?
II. In Heaven/Paradise will we still be aware of what happens on Earth? It seems to me if we do then to see our loved one’s still suffering and making obvious mistakes, etc, would turn heaven into a kind of impotent Hell. Unless we no longer cared anymore because WE were so happy, then that is just a bit selfish individualistic?

III. I understand the positive usefulness of prayer as a psychological tool helping us formulate what we really want. I even think I understand it from a theological point of view – that we should pray for God to give us the strength to deal with what we may not want to happen. What I have confusion about is the idea that God will change his mind if we pray hard enough, as if he is some sort of Ego-being that demands worship before he’ll help, otherwise like a spoilt child he’ll just ignore us. The glib and easy example is the person of faith whose child dies of cancer despite them praying with the earnestness of a saint, whilst across town a rapist wins the lottery and has a genuinely blessed life. What are the functions of Miracles? Why don’t those whose faith is sincere have prayers answered yet ‘miracles’ happen to scumbags who subsequently continue to be scumbags post-miracle. It’s not just enough for me to rub in the placebo cream of ‘God moves in mysterious ways’ as an explanation onto my chaffed mind.

IV. Jesus broke all societal conventions in his ministry (hanging out with prostitutes and tax-collectors, lepers and non-Jews). Based on his advanced ‘pushing of the envelope’, wouldn’t it make sense that he would be FOR homosexuals and women as his new ministers alongside traditional men?

V. Should ‘Pride’ and ‘Gluttony’ really be punishable by an eternity in hell as two of the seven deadly sins? Surely something like sexual abuse of children or intolerable mental cruelty are worse, for example?

Anyone out there with any insight on this? Will be sincerely appreciated…