Posts Tagged ‘Questions’

The Future Christmas Baby Insurance Policy.


I don’t get this whole having kids thing…

There I’ve said it –  form an orderly queue to throw rotten tomatoes at me please… 😉

I want to understand it because I have that massive fear of missing out. Most of my friends post pictures of their new born babies on social media. Great, fantastic, I’m really genuinely pleased for you – so get on with it, enjoy it and stop trying to sell the world on just how much fun you’re having – I don’t believe you.

If my male friends printed out a photo of their newborn and we all hooked up for a big get together, (which never happens any more because their women won’t allow them out once they had kids) – but that aside, if we played a game of Snap with all those baby pictures then it would only last two seconds, because every baby looks the damn same. But apparently they don’t. Facebook should be renamed Babybook for people of my age in London approaching 40. It’s almost like a badge of honour or a badge of suffering to have had a baby by 40.

Sure it must be great – for all the moaning and bitching, all the old female friends who suddenly become child psychologists who say how long you must breast feed for, and oh my god, you’re killing your baby if you don’t breast feed for 6 weeks, no, 6 months, no 6 years lactivists…  etc…  Each feeling they are SO correct in their approach to what a good mother should be… if only to make all the other mums feel insecure under the weight and pressure of all the parenting books they’ve read, etc.. Yawn.

Like that condescending TV advert for follow-on-milk from Aptemil or Nestle  – ‘Take it from us, you’re doing great, if you’re a mum you’ll understand.’

Well, here’s the news – take it from ME –  ‘I don’t give a shit either way.’

I am scared of having a child. There, I’ve said it.

I’m scared for a lot of reasons, so I’ll try to explain them if you can be bothered to read on…

I’m scared that my current selfish lifestyle can’t afford to support a child, hell, I can’t even afford to support myself, so isn’t it a bit odd to have a child being a child myself? The child sucks on my teat and I, in turn, expect to suck on the welfare teat to support me and the child too?

I couldn’t emotionally deal with having a child – there are so many things in me that I haven’t come to terms with fully – my massive misplaced ego, my low self-esteem, my understanding of cognitive dissonance and many more things go figure. So to see a little version of me growing up and my faults reflected in him or her, I’d feel at best a mixture of pity that he was suffering from things I couldn’t help him with because I hadn’t worked them out myself, and at worst hatred that he was reflecting to me the things I can’t yet accept in myself.

Whether it is from a sense of our animal nature – every animal MUST reproduce, it is all we are designed to do… Or for those more self-aware a sense that everyone else in society our peers expects us to do it – so we don’t feel weird or ‘other/outsider’ by not towing the line, I honestly don’t get it. Maybe I was just born a bad animal?

Surely, people fall in love when they are young, and if the relationship lasts then the woman, (in my friendship circle 90% the woman) says as she hears her biological clock tick down to time-mong-bomb  – give me a child or I will leave you, if you love me you will, and the man for want of better ideas and direction or because he genuinely loves his woman and wants to keep her at all costs agrees.  But for the above reasons I fight against it, but I want to learn. Like some sort of fucked up alien I want to learn why men have kids?

I was nothing but a big world of trouble for my parents, a truly horrible child. I’d hate to give birth to another me, and I feel the universe has a way of teaching us what we best need to learn – so for all my cruel jokes and snooty proclamations over the years you best believe my child will be handicapped, or if not then the biggest cunt since me.

The only good thing I can see about having kids is if you are a good parent despite your faults, and your child grows up to be cool, then you have a Christmas Insurance policy against being a sad and lonely old fucker living alone by yourself, un-thought of and unloved with only a TV dinner for company.  I’m scared of those maggots eating into my varicose ankles when I’m 80+ until Social Services find my corpse in the Spring, thawed out with the untouched frozen turkey.

But I’m equally scared of creating a needy, helpless new life that’s a small version of me. Especially if he’s created out of boredom, lack of future ideas or worse, desperation to hang on to my woman in misguided love.

Please can any man explain to me why having kids has been a good thing, apart from this insurance policy against a lonely future Christmas or a genetic impulsive memory of needing someone to pull your plough in old age…  Fair enough in the third world,  but here in London where the NHS takes care of us in our old age, or our children stick us in Old Folks Homes when we start to become an embarrassment anyway,  it just feels to me like arrogance that we believe our DNA is so important it must be replicated at all costs or just to please our woman.

Anyone out there who can help me understand what I’m missing out on because everyone seems to be doing it so I’m the guy in the wrong. I feel like an alien observing, the ghost at the feast, the outsider pressing his nose up against the window.


‘It’s good to talk,’ said Christ reaching for the vinegar sponge…


‘Life’s What You Make It…’    (Talk Talk.)

Strange how a single song can suddenly light a rocket up the arse and initiate a train of thought, no not a train, a train is too slow and deliberate, I’m talking more like a thunderbolt of thought, a lightening rod that shoots up the jacksy to singe the anal hairs as it goes, leaving the taste of burnt pork and metal on the tongue as it rises heavenwards towards all our unanswered prayers. Yep, Talk Talk gone and made me wanna talk talk, and since there’s no-one around in my rat’s nest right now I guess YOU dear reader are getting the bad news…

Religion. That’s the subject of today’s lecture, folks 😉

Man-Made (not Woman-Made or even Woman-Inclusive most of the time). Religion gets on my tits. ALL religion – I’m equally dismissive and insulting about all of them: from a laugh-in-your-face-obviously-stupid elements of Islam that make women walk round in dustbin liners and won’t let them get an education to realise that it’s bullshit, and replies to any enlightened criticism of it’s outdatedness with murder and threats, always as tolerant and humorous as cancer. To elements of Judaism with their intrinsic ‘look after yourself and your tribe: fuck everyone else’, belief in ‘Eye for an Eye’ revenge. To Christianity with its dislike of homosexuals despite most of the priesthood being gay, its resentment and fear of women having any equal power. To ANY religion that takes a feeling and turns it into a tombstone.

However, with the above caveat duly given it’s now Open Season and tonight I’m just talking about Christianity… for those of you with ears to hear. No-one ever reads these postings anyway so I guess I’m totally free to just write gibberish hat sodomized cabbage patch faces poached with black holes, blahhhh rubicon transfat pilgrimage toenails.

Oh, what? One person has actually read this far? Wow, thank you. I’ll keep it real then.

OK here’s the list of questions I want answered by the Online Universe. Sincerely – any answers written from knowledge.  Obviously I have too much time on my hands, but I genuinely want to know the ‘official’ Christian High or Low Church answer to these questions – not just individual’s musings, but the official party line.

For personal background info and in the name of fairness here’s my point of view: I believe in God but not religion. I have an issue with any human telling me ‘this is truth because I say so’. God, if it exists, is love, love is inclusive. So all these men arrogantly and condescendingly rushing round in dresses telling people they can’t be part of love unless they agree to these man-made rules makes my hackles rise. When I say God, I mean a universal energy that flows through every living thing on a sub-atomic level. As to whether that energy has consciousness… the hell if I know – you’re guess is as good as mine. It would be just SO great if it had. Imagine if there really was something that cared about our happiness and loved us more than our parents did/could. That’s a real comforting and seductive thought, isn’t it? But wishing don’t make it so, and anyone living who pretends to know the answer is faking it. Anyone who promises you certainty is insane. We are born knowing as much truth about God/Afterlife as we die with. That is a fact, no matter how hard sometime strains to squeeze the tight shit of certain belief out their sphincter.

Lift up yo heads all ye ravers…

I. Jesus always referred to himself as the Son of Man, not Son of God. This makes sense to me. A son of man, is a servant but also more advanced than man. Is there any evidence that Jesus personally considered himself the direct SON of god, more than any of us are? (Also, as a side point, Jesus knew the Old Testament inside and out as demonstrated by his clever and knowing fulfilment of certain prophecies (donkey entrance in Jerusalem, stock of Jesse, descendent of David, Messianic, etc.) But I found this in Psalms I46:
‘Do not put your trust in Princes, nor in a SON OF MAN, in whom there is no help…’ Is this Jesus with a sense of humour perhaps?
II. In Heaven/Paradise will we still be aware of what happens on Earth? It seems to me if we do then to see our loved one’s still suffering and making obvious mistakes, etc, would turn heaven into a kind of impotent Hell. Unless we no longer cared anymore because WE were so happy, then that is just a bit selfish individualistic?

III. I understand the positive usefulness of prayer as a psychological tool helping us formulate what we really want. I even think I understand it from a theological point of view – that we should pray for God to give us the strength to deal with what we may not want to happen. What I have confusion about is the idea that God will change his mind if we pray hard enough, as if he is some sort of Ego-being that demands worship before he’ll help, otherwise like a spoilt child he’ll just ignore us. The glib and easy example is the person of faith whose child dies of cancer despite them praying with the earnestness of a saint, whilst across town a rapist wins the lottery and has a genuinely blessed life. What are the functions of Miracles? Why don’t those whose faith is sincere have prayers answered yet ‘miracles’ happen to scumbags who subsequently continue to be scumbags post-miracle. It’s not just enough for me to rub in the placebo cream of ‘God moves in mysterious ways’ as an explanation onto my chaffed mind.

IV. Jesus broke all societal conventions in his ministry (hanging out with prostitutes and tax-collectors, lepers and non-Jews). Based on his advanced ‘pushing of the envelope’, wouldn’t it make sense that he would be FOR homosexuals and women as his new ministers alongside traditional men?

V. Should ‘Pride’ and ‘Gluttony’ really be punishable by an eternity in hell as two of the seven deadly sins? Surely something like sexual abuse of children or intolerable mental cruelty are worse, for example?

Anyone out there with any insight on this? Will be sincerely appreciated…